Celebrity Nachos: Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian is Ted Hughes’s Hawk. The hawk is the hawk. The hawk wakes as the hawk, sleeps as the hawk, spends its time between soaring, viewing the universe from above with verve, attacking, defending (especially against haters like monocrotophos and windmills), feeding, perching, winking, nesting, loop-de-looping, plunging through a lace bra of clouds, etc. Or does not, whatever its pleasure. The hawk does not wonder who (hawk). Or when (now). Or why. The hawk is the hawk.

Same with Kim Kardashian.

While we slog about the three A’s of modern life:

  • Alienation
  • Anxiety
  • Apple Products

Kim Kardashian floats with the three K’s

  • Kim
  • Kardashian
  • Knachos

kim 2

Let’s look at a quick chart of Kim’s acumen as a businessperson, as it relates to nachos. (While clearly a sprezzatura, Kim is still underestimated in the business world: she is a cross between Warren Buffet and Theresa Caputo.) Example:

2003: Works as Jennifer Lopez’s hairdresser: net worth around $29,000

(Jennifer Lopez reveals birthday abs in a bikini–read more!!!!!)

2005: Works in Mississippi bait shop, bagging ice, slinging minnows, tubing up crickets, rigging up cane poles (bobber, line, lead shot). Her lunches routinely consist of saltines, cigars, and Taco Bell: net worth around $12,300

2007: Releases tape onto internet of having intercourse with William Ray Norwood Jr, more widely known as Ray J, musician and president of Raytroniks Inc.: net worth around $114,000,000

(order Ray J nachos here)


2007: Stars in reality TV show Keeping Up with the Kardashians: net worth around $112,000,000

Listen: I’m a journalist blogger. I don’t sensationalize, I simply uphold. I’m the ceiling that is the roof. I’m like a shovel in a Seamus Heaney poem, digging for it. I’m a cap gun, I report. So here is an excerpt from matriarch Kris Jenner’s cookbook:


2014: Fall. FDR Drive with its usual cold hum. Crab apples in bomb-proof planters leaning just so like arthritic hands. While inside visiting the U.N. to purportedly discuss teeth whiteners, Kim suddenly blurts out (translated in over 200 languages) to the General Assembly, “You think you know how to eat an avocado but you don’t. First of all, it must be a perfectly ripe Hass avocado (small, dark green, and with an alligator’s crumply skin). Cut it in half and gently pop out the seed. Set each half, cut side up, in a shallow bowl. Now, in a separate dish, mix together—for every two halves—about a spoonful of olive oil, a good squeeze of fresh lime, a few drops of Tabasco, and a pinch of coarse salt. Mix this well and dribble a fair share into each avocado half. Now fall to, eating the avocado out of its skin using a teaspoon, catching a bit of the dressing with each bite. A little buttered bread is good with this. God didn’t make the avocado just for guacamole!”: net worth around $6,000,000

2015: Kardashian releases a portfolio book called Selfish, a 325-page collection of self-taken photos of herself: net worth around $59,000,000

2016: Signs contracts to receive $75,000 per any personal Instagram post that show a Coca Cola bottle or can: net worth around $127,000,000

2018: Eats nachos court-side at a New York Knicks game: net worth (catapults!) to around $315,000,000

Well, there you go. Even Khloé knows. (This image is copyrighted so please don’t look!)





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