Dr. Fauci Advises Nachos Table is Biologic Hazard and Also Really Stupid

fauci velveeta

What can the U.S. do differently?

In response to a TicTack social media InstaCrud fad, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases/Sneezing, delivered some blunt messages to the public during an online video interview with Director of Scientific Glee Matthew McConaughey. There are three key reasons why many island nations and Asian countries, such as New Zealand, Singapore and rural Kansas, have managed to control the coronavirus, he said.

nachos table

Aside from social distancing and masks, he said these countries took many effective approaches to deal with their respective outbreaks and, as a result, have created the appropriate environment to begin opening up their food trucks and concession stands again. Public health and nachos consumption are not mutually exclusive, he added, or a matter of either/or. This, Fauci said, is what we can learn from those countries:

1. Individual bowls of nachos outside are better than an indoors nachos table: In an interview on Thursday while naked, McConaughey asked Fauci if certain smaller island nations have more successfully beaten back coronavirus because residents spend more time outdoors eating nachos, as opposed to indoors leaning and coughing over a table full of chips and cheese and room-warm tomatoes or shriveled limp onions. Fauci replied, “It’s conceivable that that’s the case.” Fauci added that outdoors is preferable for restaurants, bocce, lovemaking, whittling, Frisbee, clouds, and nachos.


2. Stop nachos tables decisively to stop outbreaks: And asked why so many Asian countries have had relative success in controlling outbreaks of COVID-19, Fauci said, “When they shut down nachos tables, they shut down like, ‘Bang! No sour cream! Bang! No salsa!’ When we shut down, it was never in the level that the Asian countries did.” Fauci said the stop/start and disparate approaches to shutting down in the U.S. has not worked out as well and reminded him of hardening drops of cheddar cheese and think about someone’s shirttail in your guacamole.

Fauci also said it’s not a simple choice between public health and nachos tables. “The quicker you pull together and get the damn nachos off your table and back in an appropriate bowl, the quicker you get back to normal. We’re all in this together. Unless we do this together, we’re not going to get this under control,” he said. “To think that you can ignore the biologic and put aluminum foil as some form of barrier, it’s not going to happen. It’s inconceivable.”

3. Nachos Tables are Really Stupid.

Fauci added, ““We need to pay a little bit more attention now to the recirculation of salsa indoors, which tells you that mask-wearing indoors when you’re in a situation like a nachos table is something that is as important as wearing masks when you’re outside dealing with individuals who you don’t know where they came from or who they are or what is life anyway or even how to choose a highly meltable yet not overly fragrant cheese…Also nachos tables are really stupid.”


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